World of Warcraft and my Mental Illness.

Gaming... It's therapeutic. 

   Pretending to be someone your not or secretly being who you really are is freeing...
Like therapy and Halloween.   

 Some night elf music for you.

and a disclosure :P cause well, I gotta do it. Just so you all know to Bear in mind that some of the links in this post are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase I will earn a commission. Keep in mind that I link these companies and their products because of their quality and not because of the commission I receive from your purchases. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.

   I can lose myself in a game, or at least I used to... I haven't had time lately. :(  (tow trucks/car lot/junkyard/thrift store=no life)  Video games helped me think less. It helped me be social when I wasn't in real life. Not like the mental image you have in your head right now... Damn.
a meme (this is what i do, what society thinks i do, etc.) making fun of world of warcraft. FawnElaine and The BipolarBabyDeer disagree with it but find it funny.
This is honestly VERY close to accurate.... minus the last two frames.

     

 It was my medication and my therapy for years. I played world of warcraft... Often times it was the only social interaction I got. There were many all night raids and lots of alcohol and energy drink fueled ones, My Absolute Favorite Energy drink is https://amzn.to/2T9hCfF Links to my favorite and the best rockstar flavor ever! Hands down the Best flavor they ever came out with! Rockstar Lime Freeze is fan-fucking-tastic! 

 I can almost guarantee that the people you don't think would play, actually do. Doctors, Lawyers, Cops, Firemen, Teachers, Deli-Managers, People from every corner and niche in society thrived in raids and dailies. It had something for everyone... and every one of my moods.

Bipolar- manic depression - schizoaffective - dissociative disorder- anxiety--agoraphobia  every day was a hard day and fawn slowly began to find who she was thru the freedom mmorpg and video games gave her
Pc, Xbox, Playstation... Even Atari. 
I'm a Gamer. Nuff said. 
I also found out that I don't like to lose... The ex had too many more achievements and levels and well, I wasn't happy in second place. I never am. so I played hard and often and studied and got better. I was never as adept as he was but I made up for it in effort lol

Two halves, duality, bipolar disorder, alt  toons and the use of world of warcraft as Therapy.
Drowning... It's as if each day I'm fighting for air. Fighting to remember who I am and to help end the stigma. 

 Having a mental illness has given me a lot... A lot of symptoms, a lot of anxiety, a lot of yuck. Therapy is necessary to stave off the crazy.

With life throwing as much sh*t her way as it can, Fawn struggles day to day but fights on because she wants to create a safe online social community of people with mental illness. No time for mental breakdowns here.
It's been a long minute since I've played my game. 

    I am a broke bit*h, so actual therapy is not something I can afford. Yes, I know there are free programs and sliding scales. I qualify, but in reality, I can't even afford the free programs. I can't afford the time off work, I can't afford the gas to get there and I definitely can't afford medicine. The last medicine was 1200 bucks a month. I'm still paying for that, even though I stopped the meds all together...

She will forever say "I got this with tears in her eyes..." the BipolarBabyDeer is also learning how to live herself and all of her imbalances.
No caption needed. 

  Gaming was or is an escape for me. It's a momentary open door to the cage I long ago created for myself. It wasn't just World of Warcraft, there are so many great games (another blog-day blog post for sure) and great streamers that get ya stuck.
 Sign up for Twitch and watch em all, honestly... All of them.  Ya may even find me on there eventually... Social butterfly and miscreant, Bah! that's what I wish I could be. Awww who am I kidding I just gotta wait a bit and my manic side will make me that way lol
Bliz offers a host of resources thru their websites. armory shows the stats for each characyer
Fawnelaine. My Toon.
   When I thought the world was against me, there was always someone willing to be on my team online.  I was never truly alone. I don't do well alone.
Sweet but f*ucked up is an understatement. World of warcraft actually helped Fawn Elaine learn more about herself and her expectations.

   In World of Warcraft, I was a hunter so my affinity for animals carried over.

Arcadia Paws for Thought Cat & Kitten Rescue is another of Fawn's passions that is to become reality. 

 That symbiotic relationship between a hunter and his pet... I've long needed a partnership like it. In the game I had it. I had the ability to tame almost anything. The big and brutish to the cunning and swift, I had a pet for everything.
A screenshot of FawnElaines armory page  showing a small portion of the many unusual and
Some of FawnElaines Pets
Even my artistic side played into my W. O. W.  I could create my look and match the colors to my pets, down to the tattoos on my predominantly chosen night elf.

The moods and. Phases played a huge part in my role in world of warcraft.
I A red theme... I must have been really into the darkness at this point. 


Blue... A more common theme. 

In all respects, my toon was/is me. Just not inhibited by anything other than fall damage or well... You learn that you just don't stand in anything that is on the ground in my game.


Fawnelaine Designs #bipolarbabydeer is a new outlook on an old passion. Using blue as loyalty green as natural and a two headed deer to highlight the bipolar shifts my head and my designs take. The chain represents the strength people affected with mental illness posess and the shackles we carry with us into everything we do. It's time to break the chains and break the stigma.

The art in the world of warcraft...

 is breathtaking and has always calmed me. Idk why.

The artists and designers of blizzards games are genius. I forever wanted to be as talented. The emotions each scene creates is real and powerful. Paired with the soundtrack and ambient noises and its just simple pleasure and grace.
This is just mellow and soothing to me. 

In many depictions even the heavy Armour ones. Lady War Chief Sylvanus has a "come f*ck me" look.
I believe this an artist's concept... But in all honesty, there is a strong sexual current running thru the game. 

The new expansion for Shadowlands promises the same gorgeous graphics and while the shadows are more prominent the fire tones of gold and yellow give it a regal and ruling light note.
Maybe the idea or the ability it gives me to be somewhere else. Like an escape route made easy by the soothing nature of the Colors. It was always easy to become stuck or even saturated in it.
 

Time would fly by. The quests and pet hunting were nice when I was in a low cycle. My energy level was nil, my attention span limited. I just kind of wandered thru a normal routine... Slow and laxadazical.


The raids, dungeons, and Battlegrounds were more of a manic thing When I couldn't sleep and was easily more social. I would DPS the crap out of everything. But I was on top of the world. My manic phase gives me a "social butterfly - I  can rule the world" vibe. I was leet on Confidence and swagger.


 I can honestly say World of Warcraft and my amazing guilds Umbra of Eternus Vita & Katagari both on the Anetheron Server saved me from myself a time or two.  




I learned teamwork, leadership skills, marketing and time management thru Wow. I learned that it doesn't matter if I was a girl or not, I could Compete and kick ass. I also learned to speak up and be assertive.  Lol, I've used all of those skills on a resume once or twice. 
My depression gets bad... I'm not just saying I would be sad for a day or two I mean it would be weeks of wishing I could just not wake up. Followed by a couple more weeks thinking I was hot shit and I had the world under control. A high of awesomeness and what I thought was organized and productive day to day hustle that in reality was more akin to a Moonkin flapping about without a head. That high would just plummet me headfirst back to reality at any given moment just as if a sneaky horde scout shot me off my flying mount.  It was never as pleasant as it may sound. 
Those cycles were met with guildies that would check in on me. People searching me out to simply have my company or individuals like Rhino Warrior hell-bent on helping me know my worth, love myself and kick booty in the battlegrounds and arena.  

World of Warcraft was a huge step in discovering who I am. I wouldn't even dream of being open about my diagnosis let alone be proud of who I am and how I am.  I repeat the same thing so very very often because I want to help those who were lost like I was.  


I am Fawn Elaine Brashear the Bipolar Baby Deer. I am me, just as God intended me to be. He made me this way for a reason. He made me, me. Flaws and all. 
I am proud to be bipolar. 
Because I have a purpose and he has my back.  

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